This is part of a writing challenge, read more about it here.
Effervescent/ɛfəˈvɛsənt/
(adjective)
- (of a liquid) giving off bubbles; fizzy.
- vivacious and enthusiastic.
When I think of the following words: effervescent, vivacious, enthusiastic, bubbly, etc. there are a few people that come to mind right away. In fact, just last night, I was celebrating a friend’s birthday and we decided to go around and share words that reminded us of her. One of the words said about her was sunshine. That is what effervescent reminds me of. Sunshine, radiating, bright, cheerful.
Another thing that I’ll do at times is associate people with colors. For instance, one of my closest friends is most definitely the color yellow. She’s bright and talkative. She’s excitable and energetic. She is perhaps a little fickle minded and confused, but she is loud and colorful and very present. She’s the kind of person that demands attention and essentially commands it. Her presence is captivating and her personality is very contagious (?). In essence, she’s the kind of person that you notice right away because she’s in the middle of the room chatting away excitedly about something, radiating enthusiasm. She is the embodiment of effervescence, to me.
However, today I want to talk about my experience with effervescence, especially when it’s colored with doubts and tainted with anxiety.
Up until the age of nine or so, I was extremely quiet and shy. I was the kid who the teacher would have to coax and comfort to get me to share anything with the class. Thankfully, I went to an Indian school that offered very little chances for unrehearsed dialogue but rather focused its energy on memorization and practiced-to-death presentations. So, I made it out okay. This didn’t mean that I didn’t have anything to say. I had a lot to say. I have always had many opinions and stories and an urge to tell them. But because I never had any reason to show the side of me that was excitable, and enthusiastic, I hid it. I stayed shy and quiet until I was forced to be otherwise.
At the age of 10, or maybe it was 9, I’m not too sure, I changed schools and moved to ICS, an American curriculum based school, where more often than not, I was asked for my opinion and perhaps given more opportunities to be creative with lesser restraints. Before the end of my first year, I had already started to reveal my effervescent side. The part of me that I was always too scared to reveal.
For a few years, everything went really well. I made a lot of friends, I was known for being talkative and having opinions. I loved it. I was a different person, bright, cheerful, bubbly. But around 7th grade, anxiety and fear made their way back as someone, perhaps jokingly, said to me, “Do you ever shut up?” Though looking back, I can’t remember who said it first, among my family and some friends, it quickly became a running joke that I was super enthusiastic, that I talked too much and that maybe I was overall just a lot.
So, I had decided to do something about it. I would stop talking to people for days, or just really shut down, and refuse to give my opinion. I would make a conscious effort to smile less, to be less hyper, excited, and enthusiastic. Even to the point, where I would tell myself negative things, and point out things I didn’t like about myself to make myself less happy. I’d say things like “No one loves you.” “You’re so annoying.” “When will you learn to shut up?” Essentially, I’d make negative comments to lower my levels of happiness. Even if I was feeling happy, I would convince myself that I was not allowed to be effervescent, because other people didn’t like it. And in my mind, other people liking me was far more important than me actually being happy.
Eventually, through talking to friends, sharing my fears and having others remind me that they still love me, I’ve gotten a lot better about it. I think part of it is also just realizing how I felt around other people that were effervescent. It was always feelings of positivity and excitement and that the only time those people would annoy me was if I was in a bad place or feeling bad about myself. So, realizing that the things I’d been telling myself weren’t true, and by having a better group of people, it’s something that I’m learning to balance.
To this day, its something I really struggle with. Leaving a conversation with anyone has me questioning if I spoke too much if I was too cheerful if I was just “too much”. It’s something I fear a lot. I fear that people will stop spending time with me, or not want to be around me because I’m a lot.
But, I’m also able to think through those thoughts and realize that if the other person doesn’t want to spend time with me because I’m a lot for them, then that’s their prerogative. It’s okay for someone to not want to spend time with me, it does not lower my worth. Sometimes people don’t vibe, and that’s that. More than that though, it’s been realizing that most of my concerns and fears aren’t actually real, but rather just me drawing conclusions with zero evidence.
It’s been a bit of a struggle, but in my battle between my effervescence and my anxiety, I’d say I’m coming out on top.
~Prisha Khimavat~
Duration: 37 minutes.
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