At the start of every new year, there is a sense of reflection that accompanies the setting of new intentions. With this year’s theme seemingly being a comparison to 2016, I can’t help but wonder what 15-year-old me would think of me now. At 15, I was in the 10th grade, moving into the 11th. As an anxious person with strong people-pleasing tendencies, I looked around me to adopt who others may have wanted me to be. Whether that be with the way I spoke, the way I dressed, the way I was, and even what I believed. Often feeling guilty for letting my true self out and wanting to hide in guilt whenever that happens. Worrying that the real me was way too much and should be kept hidden away, under lock and key, if you will.
At 15, I had so much love to give and just as much fear that it would be overwhelming for those around me. I thought myself annoying, and honestly, thinking back, I see myself being unfair to those around me by not believing in their capability to love me. I wonder how much of myself I hid, and how many things in my life I downplayed to avoid being too much, and at the same time, how often I was vying for visibility, to be seen and heard truly by those around me.
I see my actions as a desperate plea for attention, but silently.
That was also the year that panic attacks and anxiety had overtaken me, and without any methods and techniques to calm myself, without knowing what I needed, I felt like I was flailing. I remember being emotional and distraught and not wanting to let people see my struggle, because it couldn’t possibly be that bad; I was privileged. Now I see that all of it was fear, it was fear of figuring out who I was, because what if people didn’t like me? It was the fear of being authentic because what if my friends left me? Of course, I know now how little people’s opinions matter, but I also know now that no one can give you the love you crave if you can’t figure out how to give it to yourself.
Truly, the years of Covid were transformative for me because of how much time I spent alone. And alone without expectations. Time to discover myself, to get comfortable in my own heart, and then to learn to love it before I bring myself to other people. To find calmness and confidence in loneliness. It feels so powerful now, a decade later, to realise how many of my insecurities I have managed to work through and transform. Truly, if that isn’t emotional transmutation, I don’t know what is.
And the power of that is not just beautiful, but also so wildly liberating.
How joyful is it not to hope for others to see me, but to see myself, and to love myself, and to be completely okay with how close or far away others decide they want to be from me. To know the power and value I bring to my relationships and to be proud of who I am. To be grateful beyond belief for the way God has made me, and for the amazing people he’s brought into my life, who see me and love me but will also continue to do so as I continue to grow and change. What a blessing growth is, and what a blessing acceptance is. Of others, yes, but of myself.
Once again, here I am,
Living life one word at a time <3
~ Prisha Khimavat ~
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